Usually this is the point where I put an adorable picture of
my kids and explain why being a parent makes me a bad friend. And while, that
may be true, that’s not what we’re talking about here. Or maybe this is where I
expose the frustrations of my schedule working for a police department and why
I never have time for anyone. And while that is also true, it’s actually not
the real point here either. In fact there are hundreds of posts out there that
explain why someone is a bad friend but none of them address what my real
underlying issue is.
The real issue is: I’m
Shy.
And this is the part where you all say, “What? No you’re
not!”; Or maybe you’re thinking, that’s a really lame excuse. And you’re right,
it is. But hear me out, because there are bound to be a couple things here that
maybe you didn’t know about me.
Growing up I was so extremely shy that I didn’t really talk
to anyone besides my immediate family. And I happened to have an older sister
who was more than happy to be the center of attention, so I was able to get
away with it for a long time (thank you for that, by the way). I was that kid
that walked to school and back with my nose in a book (literally) because it
was easier to read than to face the social anxiety of trying to talk to people.
I was that kid in high school that always made random, stupid comments in a
lame effort to try to participate. In fact, I used to have to practice having conversations
in my room at home (and trust me, it doesn’t help). No matter what I did, any
time I was faced with social situations I found myself freezing up. My life was full of awkward silence and
constantly wracking my brain for something to say, only to find that the
conversation had already moved on to something else by the time I could think
of anything to say. I would go home at night and relive all my horrible
conversation and just wanted to pound my head against a wall (figuratively
people, I’m not that bad) which only heightened my social anxiety.
And then I got called to lead the regional youth group for
my church. Part of my responsibility involved speaking in front of large groups
of people. And while it was hard at first, I found that I actually started to
enjoy it. And then I served a proselyting mission for my church and had to
teach on a daily basis. And I found that I enjoyed that too. In fact, my favorite
job ever was teaching Spanish to missionaries who were preparing to go do the
same thing. And this is where my real problems started. See, I enjoyed speaking
in public, and I could teach a class like a boss, but I still sucked at any
real socializing, like small talk; before, I was always socially awkward so I had an excuse for being bad in social situations. But all of the sudden I
became confident in front of large groups. I could talk and joke and involve
people easily when I was teaching. And suddenly, people no longer believed that
I was shy. They would see me acting confident while teaching or speaking in
public, and couldn’t understand why I was suddenly awkward in one on one
conversation.
And then I got married, and it got even worse. See, my
husband is a natural when it comes to social interactions. He can laugh, and
joke and talk all day (and I still have no clue how he does it). And he became
my trailblazer. It’s kind of like when you go hiking in the snow, you always
make sure you’re strongest hikers are at the front to lay the trail and every
else can just follow in their steps and it makes the hike easier. And
interacting with other people when my husband is there is so much easier. He
picks up where I falter, he can lead the conversation and it is so much easier
for me to just follow. But then, I suddenly find myself having to interact with
those same people without my husband there, and my social anxiety becomes more
apparent. People start to wonder why I’m so social when my husband is there,
and yet seem to have nothing to say when he’s not.
And I try, I really do. I try to think of conversation
topics beforehand. And I force myself to pick up the phone when you call, even
though I fail epically at phone conversations. And I try not to hide on the couch
when we’re in groups, even though mingling is seriously my personal worst
nightmare. But at some point all of you have probably seen me at my worse
socially without ever knowing what was really going on.
And let me just say I’m sorry. I’m sorry if you were in one
of my classes but when you saw me later I wasn’t as friendly or open as you
expected, even though I was really excited to see you. I’m sorry if I sometimes
choose to give in to my antisocial tendencies and just ignore the world (because,
hey, it’s exhausting trying to force
yourself to be social when it doesn’t come naturally). And I’m sorry if I don’t
call as much as I should or have long meaningful conversations like I would
like to. I promise, that it’s not because I don’t want to. No matter how well I
know you or how much I care about you, I still freeze up sometimes. This is one
of those situations where I can sincerely say, it’s me, not you, and really mean it. I want to be your friend. I
want to know about your life, and I want to spend time with you, I just don’t
really know how to do it (at least not very well).
And thank you! Thank you for being my friend despite all of
the above. And thank you for putting up with all my awkward silences, and
stupid comments, and antisocial tendencies. And while I can’t promise it will
go away (after all, I’ve been trying to get rid of it for 30+ years already) I
can at least promise to keep trying. And thank you to all you trailblazers out
there. I enjoy being social (most of the time) and I love it when I find those
special friends who are so full of life that they just pull me along with them.
Thank you for taking the burden away from me and being willing the take the
lead when I can’t think of anything to say.
And to all those out there who struggle with the same
things, even though it may not be in the same way; the fact that people don’t understand your social anxiety doesn’t make
it any less real. Trust me, I feel your pain. Just keep at it. I can’t
promise that it will get better, but I can promise that you will find people
who will love you anyways. And no matter what, just keep swimming!
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